How the Writer Learned to Type
Everyone had those childhood rebellions. No matter how small or how silly those rebellions were, they were attempts to assert ourselves as right. Me, I refused to eat mushrooms and onions. I hated them and balked at the ‘you’ll enjoy them when you grow up’. Aside from the obvious ‘Well, I sure don’t enjoy them now’ retort, I stuck to part of my rebellion. Though I now love mushrooms, onions are still on my top ten watch list.
In junior high, I put forth another rebellion. It typing class we were told that we needed to learn to touch type. 1) it would help us tremendously in the future. 2) there was no way we could ever get fast enough to pass if we were looking at the keys. Well, I showed them! I quickly read the paragraph, memorized the whole thing and watched the keyboard the whole time I typed. Though I was nowhere near the fastest in the class, I did pass. So ha!
But I hate it when people are right. I couldn’t touch type. As a writer, this was a huge problem. It’s really hard to untrain yourself from looking or to learn to do consciously what you can do if you just don’t think about it. Chew on that – I typed so much that if I could get out of my head, I COULD sit back and touch type, but the second I thought about it, I had to look at the keys.
Later during a course book writing project I started developing the early warning signs of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and also made my left arm numb to the elbow. In researching how to fix what I’d done and prevent further damage, I bought wrist braces, got gelfoam wrist supports to put in front of my keyboard and tilted the keyboard away from me rather than toward. And then I came across the Dvorak keyboard.
Qwerty keyboards (the standard set-up) were designed to slow you down – so that the strike keys on the old manual keyboards didn’t become entangled. Dvorak set up his keyboard for speed and ease of use. The most common keys are the home keys and your fingers don’t have to move to the bottom row very often. All the speed typing records were set on Dvorak boards and the Dvorak keyboard is a built-in option for most all operating systems. Wikipedia has one of the best explanations on the web http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dvorak_Simplified_Keyboard and another site shows the difference in finger movements with Dvorak and Qwerty boards http://patorjk.com/keyboard-layout-analyzer/ (I suggest you try this site and check out the blue pie charts showing the dramatic difference in home, top row and bottom row key usage! In will analyze anything you type!)
In spite of all this, Dvorak has never really caught on. But when have I been one to let something like that get in my way? And here in my mid-adulthood I was finally ready to admit that I ‘only hurt myself’ by not learning to touch-type in junior high and that it was high time I did learn how.
So I converted over, got myself an elementary learn-to-type book and practiced every day. Immediately, my wrists began to feel better and so did my heart. I could actually type without looking at the keys! Though the benefits are many, there are some drawbacks, too.
Pro: my wrists don’t hurt. In the past if I wrote as much as I have this month, I’d be sleeping in my wrist braces. Right now – despite days of 5,000+ words. I don’t have a twinge.
Con: no one else can work on my system.
Pro: no one else can work on my system. No one touches my sh!% : )
Con: I’m picky about how my keyboards feel and there are very few keyboards available in the Dvorak layout.
Pro: key/letter stickers make dull keyboards fun and convert any keyboard to Dvorak.
Con: Have you ever touched a sticker about thirty thousand times? Stickers feel really gross when they start to slide off the keys.
Pro: one company makes good high-use stickers. (Thank goodness!)
Con: due to clustering high frequency letters, typos are more likely to make a real word.
When I couldn’t touch type, I seemed to develop motor patterns for common words and sets of letters. For example – I could touch type my password, because I had learned that pattern. I also had one for ‘the’ and other high use words. Apparently, I also had them for ‘ing’ ‘tion’ and other endings. It was difficult to type ‘tusk’ because I had a ‘uck’ pattern and would type ‘tuck’. I am grateful every day that there is no word ‘fusk’. I still have not lived down an old Qwerty typo I sent to my primary editor/sister. In the scene, soldiers are dying in a field after battle and a duck comes up. I had tried to write ‘the approaching dusk’ but my motor pattern had typo’d me to ‘the approaching duck’. She called me, ranting “Why is there a duck!? I don’t get the duck! Why on earth is there a duck?”
With Dvorak, though I don’t typo anywhere near as much, the proximity of certain letters leads to things spell check will never catch. For example, when typing ‘whole’ I can shift one letter and get ‘whale’ or even better ‘whore’.
I did figure out that a good friend of mine is just as geeky as me when he chatted one day that something was ‘uneful’. Knowing that ‘s’ and ‘n’ are right next to each other on the Dvorak board, I tentatively asked him if that’s what he was using. Lo and behold, he was on Dvorak. He’s completely geeky like me – who else would be using a Dvorak keyboard!? – and we got to chatting about the typo problem.
Eli S. to me: Dvorak typos are the bust!
Me: Clone but no cigar.
Weed Wars: Calling Dr. King
Recently we celebrated Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday. Facebook and Twitter lit up with MLK Jr quotes and bold statements about acceptance. Though I have never heard this quoted anywhere else, I have always thought that MLK Jr had the following principle at heart: if you wish to be accepted by society, you must first show society that you can be a useful part of the culture. King suggested that his people be peaceful protestors who advocated their own worth, and even today this continues to be a valuable idea.
There’s value to the other side, too. You don’t have to conform to what’s already in a society to prove you can have value in it. “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” has its own merits. And every year I lived in Los Angeles, you can bet I wasn’t going to miss the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade on Halloween. I have never seen better costumes anywhere than what I saw there every year, everywhere I turned. One year, the string quartet from “Titanic” played as they walked, complete with old-time life vests and icicles hanging from their faces and sleeves. Another year, a human Oscar and an Emmy stood on raised daises at one end of the walk. Parade goers could grasp them by the calves and get their picture taken as if accepting a life-sized award. But wearing your purple, thigh-high shazam boots with only a green over-the-shoulder thong isn’t really the way to convince society that you belong.
But the issue of one group trying to get a legitimate foothold in society doesn’t end there: anti-weight discrimination groups are in the mix now. (“We’re here, we’re spheres, get used to it”). But a new group has a dog in the fight, too: the medical marijuana contingent.
Let’s start with a breakdown:
The pros: cannabis has medicinal benefits that can drastically alter the course of some terribly debilitating diseases.
The cons: it’s a street drug, and a lot of the people with prescriptions are abusing the privilege.
While both those arguments are valid, we have to consider that over half the Vicodin and Percocet prescriptions today are for abusers or addicts rather than people with real needs. When I worked in an ER I was shocked to learn that I could easily put myself through college by selling just a handful of small blue pills on the street each week (my students loans are clear evidence that I didn’t do it.) Yet no one is suggesting that Vicodin or Percocet distributors be prosecuted.
The really interesting bit here is that both sides have very valid arguments. So what’s next? Reality TV, that’s what! “Weed Wars” follows Harborside Health Clinic as they distribute medical marijuana to people with actual prescriptions for it. What makes the show interesting is that these people seem never to have heard of Martin Luther King Junior.
One of the guys who runs the clinic is called ‘Dress’ because he’s worn dresses for the past several decades. Not your usual work-wear either. Any woman would be looked at askance if she considered these flowing tie-dyed and knotted concoctions to be office appropriate. I’m all for real gender-equality, but if you want to speak before congress, at least wear a NICE dress!
Another thing not in their favor: everyone – every single person – who works at Harborside has a prescription for medical marijuana. Many of the people who obtain their prescriptions there have clear physical issues – constant seizures, MS, etc – yet no one who works there has any obvious medical need. In fact, one of the partners says: it just makes me clear. Yeah . . . right. Letting “Dress” out in public in an attempt to get people to accept you is a “clear” decision. Well, cocaine makes a lot of people “clear” too. Just saying.
The third partner is an older man with chest length Pippi Longstockings braids made from graying, thinning hair. This is the man who – in the car on the way to plead the local government for more tax leniency – said “I just had an edible. It calmed my nerves.” As best I can gather from the show, edible=pot brownie. If MLK Jr were there, I think he’d say, “Dude! Seriously? Did you listen to NOTHING I said?”
Harborside Clinic is not making tons of money. The legalization of pot means quality control and inspections. It means testing and taxation, and there’s not much profit left. These are smart people who make strong emotional and logical arguments about the need for medical marijuana. But every time they say something profound, the cameras cut away to the same person sucking on a bong.
Oh Harborside Health Clinic, you shoot yourself in the foot so many times. Why does everyone who works there have a prescription? Pharmacists aren’t all on Valium . . . If it’s a legitimate drug, why aren’t there pills or inhalers? Why are all your people smoking it? I don’t know of any physician who suggests you get your morphine based drug, crush it and snort it a la street cocaine.
It’s time to call the great Dr. King! We need you! Oppressed people everywhere need real wisdom rather than catchy chants. When you’re making your rounds, please stop at Harborside first. Explain to these people that smoking their stock does not make them legitimate pharmacists. They need your help, and I do, too. I’d really like to be able to cut back from the two edibles necessary to maintain my calm through each episode.
And Now a Word From Our Sponsor
It’s no secret that I dislike most advertising, but I can stomach it when it’s straight with me. “Here’s our product. You should buy it for these reasons.” On the other hand, I know advertising is never straight with us. Just because you got a low-carb crust on your pizza doesn’t mean it’s good for you, and no matter how exorbitantly happy the people in the ad are, Eggies just don’t work.
Embedded advertising has the opportunity to be blatant or sublime. As a long time fan of “House” I almost turned the show off right after Odette Annabel told Charlyne Yi about how her car senses turns and slows down for her. If a car can do that, why can’t an actual person sense blatant stupidity and edit it out of the script?
Sometimes sponsorship is just there – yes, Eureka runs on Subaru, we get it. And Breaking Bad was all about the Aztek. I’m not sure if Pontiac was trying to make a point that your Aztek in so handy you could run a meth lab out of it, but maybe they were!
Other sponsorships seem just as sketchy or worse. Why does Harley Davidson sponsor Sons of Anarchy? I know that there are tons of biker fans who watch the show and will possibly purchase a Harley (aside from the standard masses like me who simply drool when one goes by.) But several years ago a wide net was cast and massive RICO and drug charges were brought on the Hell’s Angels. This may be the spark that started the show, but does H-D want to be associated with that? There’s a definite balance to be had between sales and arrests. With the addition of the second Sons of Anarchy sponsor I really have to wonder about the advertising. Yes, sponsor number two is Miller Light. Is this an appeal for us all to drink and drive? Is Smith & Wesson going to join them in sponsorship for Season 5? It really would make the trifecta.
Another wonderful sponsorship? American Horry Story is sponsored by . . . none other than Victoria’s Secret. Does Vicky’s Secret carry full body latex suits? Is Horror Story going to start showing off their main characters in Body by Victoria? I can’t wait to see Dylan McDermott in a line-free bra and panty set, telling another character (maybe a dead one?) about how comfortable the airy weave is and how it gives him just the right amount of lift. What’s awesome – and not just a speculation by me, but a fact – is that the voice of American Horror Story reads the ad for Victoria’s Secret in his spooky voice. “American Horror Story is brought to you by Victoria’s Secret – the sexiest lingerie brand in the world.” Is it okay if I’m kindof afraid of sexy lingerie now?
In the meantime, since this is where TV is obviously headed, I’d like to make a few sponsorship suggestions of my own (and some from friends!)
True Blood – brought to you by the American Red Cross
(So many opportunities there – to embed the logo in the program, or even talk about the Red Cross without sounding like a total nit.)
Mad Med – by Canadian Club Whiskey
Dexter – sponsored by Ginsu Knives
The Walking Dead – brought to you by Omaha Steaks
There’s a time and a place for it. I’m okay with one drug-running, Harley-riding biker guy telling another about his gun. The heft is solid, the changeable grip means it fits his hand, and the nine-mil size means it fits any of a number of bullet types from blanks to hollow-points. Perfect for all styles of gangland assassinations.
I’m okay with the crew of The Office or 30 Rock with any number of office-important logos at hand. Staples, Office Depot, 3M . . . the list goes on. But it’s about believability. Advertising works best when it’s seamless. We have to buy in. And I just don’t buy that doctors who are harassed by Greg House will talk about their turning radius. I’ve had more conversations in my adult life about crazy embarrassing things – physical problems, something humiliating that happened in high school, deep personal issues – than I have ever had about how my car functioned.
So if they want to continue on in this vein, and make it believable, here’s how the next interaction should go: (Take note script writers for “House”)
Odette: Can you feel that?
Charlyne: What?
Odette: It’s the sensors in my car. They sense when I’m approaching a curve and they slow down. Pretty cool, huh?
Charlyne: That is neat. It would be cooler if they sensed this.
[Charlyne reaches over Odette, releases door handle and pushes her into oncoming traffic.]
Charlyne [yelling back to Odette, lying in the middle of the road]: That was really cool. It did sense something and slowed down just a bit. Will it beep if I try to back up over you?
Vote for My Name!
Chickens – the top creature names are in!
Thank you to everyone who submitted names. If you see yours in the poll, congratulations, you are in the finals. If you don’t see yours in the poll, you can still win! The submitter of the winning name and one voter (vote will be pulled at random) will win a free copy of Bite Size or a free creature (your choice).
So vote, vote, vote, vote! (Yes, you can vote 4 times to increase your chances of winning!)
1 – email your vote to me at AJ@AJScudiere.com
2 – vote in the poll above
3 – vote in the poll on Facebook – become my friend (AJ Scudiere)
4 – tweet your vote (@ajscudiere)
One more vote . . . to help God’s Eye artist Daniel Ruke win!
The Tor.com readers choice awards are happening this week.
God’s Eye is up for Best Cover. All votes are write ins via the comments. You do NOT have to be a member or register for the blog or website. Just vote.
Here’s the video for all the 10 covers in the running:
Here’s the link to vote for the cover:
http://www.tor.com/blogs/2012/01/vote-in-the-torcom-2011-readers-choice-awards
Feel free to vote your mind, but if you want it easy just write in: God’s Eye by A.J. Scudiere, Best Cover.
Kudos go to Daniel Ruke for the design and art. I really want to win this, it’s his win. The votes for Best Cover are slim. We can take this. Chickens, Unite!!! (And THANK YOU!!)
Okay Chickens. You have voting to do!
Vote for Best Cover – so Dan Ruke can win for that!
And vote for your favorite name for the creature – so YOU can win!
THANK YOU, Chickens!
A.J.
Time is Running Out: I Need a Name!
Last Chance to Name the Creature!
We’ve had a great number of names suggested, but there’s still a little bit of time to get your entry in.
Remember, if your entry wins, you’ll get a free copy of Bite Size (short story collection that you can only win) OR your very own whatever-his-name-is.
We’ll narrow the selection down to at least the top five and then voting will happen through a Smart Chickens email and on Facebook. The answer is YES! If you get the newsletter and are my friend on Facebook you can vote twice! So feel free to friend me if you haven’t already (AJ Scudiere).
Voting will start next Monday and go through Wednesday. After that we’ll announce the winning name for the creature and the winning Chicken who came up with it!
So far, we’ve had names with meaning, fun names, and sweet names . . . So be sure to get yours into the mix and get your chance to win your own creature.
A.J. Scudiere
We’re Not Like Other Families
Every family has its points of pride . . . some are the most active members at their churches. Some families are the wealthiest on the block, or in the town. Some families are politically or socially connected. My family is none of those things.
We can start with the fact that we are geeky . . . and proud of it. My little brother at age two would dunk his basketball and yell out any of a variety of great phrases “Rim shot!” “Nothin’ but net” “He shoots, he scores!” but he could also name every dinosaur ever known to man – including a full range of therapods. And you did not want to get into an argument with that kid. You would lose.
So I thought I would share some fun notes from my family.
When my kids were little and asked about something electrical, my Dad would always wind up asking them if something was an insulator or a conductor. My favorite moment came when my three year old son looked at Grampa with an ‘are you crazy?’ look on his face. But rather than telling Grampa that he was three and what did he know? he said “It’s a conductor, Grampa. Everyone knows that.” (They have since moved on to capacitance.)
The idea for my first book – Resonance – was sparked when my father handed me a photocopied journal paper on Polar Reversal Theories. At the dinner table.
The other night all four of us were out practicing at our new basketball hoop and trying to decide how to spend our time. Games of PIG or HORSE were suggested, but we pointed out we had plenty of time for HORSE and then some. The eight-year-old suggested we play BACTERIA.
When we pulled into a parking garage last week, my sister told my Dad, “Remember our parking number.” Dad replied. “Okay, we are at 236 which is only a few down from Plutonium.”
I saw a geeky T-shirt to get my brother-in-law. He has quite a huge collection of snarky or brainy shirts. He’s also a marine biologist. So a shirt with the greek letter Pi with 8 feet on it and saying ‘octopi’ seems like the perfect gift, right? No. It’s not. The plural of octopus is not octopi. (Octopus is a greek word and therefore the true plural is ‘octopodes’ though even the marine biologists don’t say that. But they don’t say ‘octopi’ either. It’s ‘octopusses’.) So, ultimately, we have gotten too geeky for the geeky t-shirts. So sad.
I am the proud owner of a ‘Frequent Jumper Card’ at AJ Hackett’s Bungy. And yes, it works just like your coffee punchcard at Mapco or Dunkin Donuts.
In 2002, for Father’s Day, my dad asked for me to take him to see “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”. I needled him the whole time about getting to the theater early to beat those Father’s Day Ya-Ya Lines.
This one is serious: I was concerned that my children would eat so much of one thing that they would unbalance their diet. I had to say “No more broccoli until you finish your french fries.”
All the adults in my family love to watch the TV show ‘Dexter’ on Showtime. It’s a relatively graphic program about a serial killer. But several of us cringe during the opening credits when a shot comes up of a mosquito sinking its proboscis into someone’s arm. This is the most disturbing part of the show for us . . . because someone really had to get bit for that shot. The killings are fake, but the mosquito is real. (Oh, I’ve got the willies right now.)
Upon being referred to an online puzzle game, my father decided to solve each new puzzle daily – by writing a program to solve it for him.
Yes, every family has something unique. Ours is just a bit left of center.
Okay, way more than a bit.
Name me!
Hi!
I’m the creature from the front cover of God’s Eye and I need a name. Whoever submits the winning name will receive one of me for free!
You can submit your entries here in the comments, on Facebook (AJScudiere), on Twitter (@AJScudiere), or via e-mail (AJ@AJScudiere.com).
The best names will be listed for a vote in a couple of weeks.
Here are the rules:
No spoiler names!
Those of you who have read God’s Eye know who is on the cover, so you can’t give that away.
That’s it – anything else is up for grabs.
I will be available for sale on AJ’s website in Mid-February (with my new name) when the God’s Eye AudioMovie releases. Look for a discount code for me when you buy your special edition USB!
Looking forward to your submissions!
-He who has yet to be named
Formula for a New America
I know we spend our time here with the absurd and ironic. We are snarky and irreverent. But this time it’s about new years and resolutions, so we are going to take this one time to stop and be serious – just for a moment.
Like everyone else, for this new year – this election year – I want a New America. Or maybe I just want to fix the old one. But I have realized we can’t do that until we take care of one thing: we need to become America first. We live here and we give ourselves the moniker, but few of us are real Americans. Wait. Let me explain – I’m not talking about flag-flying patriotism. I’m talking about the basis for this nation.
We were founded by peoples fleeing from religious and government oppression. We came to a land where no one was native. (The ‘Native Americans’ bear a misnomer – they immigrated across the Bering Strait. Though they did it first, they are still immigrants.) Once here, we found ourselves in groups – protestants, ‘natives’, Europeans – and we fought like dogs to each protect our group.
The irony is that it wasn’t just our founding fathers who have felt this isolation and persecution. The ‘Great American Melting Pot’ does not melt things smoothly or quickly. In the 1800s, it was common to see signs that read “No Irish”. In the 1900s the signs read “No Blacks”. Today the signs read “No Mexicans” or “No Gays”. Have we learned nothing?
Who has come to America? Irish and Africans. Italians. Germans. Japanese. Just to name a very few. Who among us is not an immigrant or the descendent of an immigrant then? Regardless of the fact that we are all in some way or other immigrants to this land, we have other problems in our group identities. This is not to say that you shouldn’t maintain your own group culture, not at all. But remember we have the larger group of ‘country’ to maintain, too.
I, too, want a New America. But I am sick at the idea that we build our new world by closing doors to the groups that we don’t personally like. If you want to see what that looks like, just look around the world.
But lately it seems that Americans are making laws based on what group can get the most votes in an attempt to make their group culture the American culture. Dictating belief through law is not what we are, not what we are supposed to be.
And why are we trying to make our personal cultures into law when we don’t have to? We have the right to speak our own minds, free of persecution. We have the right to close the doors of our homes to those we do not agree with. And my church, synagogue, mosque or clearing in the woods does not have to bless your marriage. You do not have to bless mine.
But we are better because we are diverse. We are strong because we are free. And if we wish to stay free, then we must be strong enough to be diverse. This is my country. This is the country I want to see. It is your country, too. From many, we are one.
Think for a moment the last time you thought about the ‘damned Irish, taking over our country’. Exactly. Personally, I’ve never had that thought. Because it didn’t happen; they didn’t take over. Nor did any of the other groups to emerge and eventually meld. If we are strong and if we are diverse then neither will anyone else. The problem is that old sentiment has not faded. We have simply replaced it with another group identity. Be honest, would you say ‘mexicans’ ‘gays’ ‘liberals’ ‘rednecks’?
The fact of the matter is that I am here today as you are: confident in my belief that I am right and you are wrong. But I realized something else: as much as I believe I am right, so do you. So take a moment to look at the other people around you and say to them “I am right and you are wrong.” You have the freedom to do so. But do you also have the courage to say to them “You are welcome in America”?
I invite you to do this with me, but be warned: in the next few moments you will become uncomfortable. This is not an easy task. If it were easy, we would have already done it. If it were easy, we would not have the rifts we have today. But it needs to be done or we will all slowly lose the rich culture and the rights that we have. So here we go . . .
To the Irish and the Italians, to the Protestants and the Catholics, you are welcome here. To the Japanese, the Germans and the Jews, you are welcome here. To the African Americans, the Mexican Americans, those of mixed race and culture and beliefs, you are welcome here. To the Pagans and the Muslims and the Rednecks, you are welcome here. To the one-percenters, the transgender and gay people, liberals and conservatives, racists, homophobes . . . whoever you are, you may be afraid of anyone, you may hate others, you are allowed your beliefs. You are welcome here.
Did I lose you? Where do each of us drop off the list? The point is that when we stop welcoming diversity, we all lose. You do not have to agree with the people you welcome. You can speak loudly against them. We have laws that are designed to protect us from hurting each other. So we need to stop fighting like cornered animals. We aren’t. We will not be oppressed. The Amish have the right to not attend public schools; the Christian Scientists have the right to refuse medical treatment; and the Atheists have the right to not say ‘one nation, under God’. And you are welcome to think they are all crazy and wrong. We will still hate. We will still identify with our own groups – there is nothing wrong with that. We can be strong that way. But we must welcome diversity.
Think of the groups on that list that you hate. Maybe ‘hate’ is too strong, but whatever it is, if there is a group you do not wish to welcome it is likely because you morally oppose them. There are groups on that list that I think are morally and ethically wrong, wrong, wrong. But I welcome them. And out there someone who has not met you hates you because of what you are or who you are. People are hated because they are Muslim or because they are gay or because they are lawyers. I hate some of you because of what you believe, and some of you hate me. I welcome you to America. I will close the doors of my home or my church to you and suspect you will do the same to me. But I welcome you to my country.
This is not the land where I am free and you are free. This is the land where I am free BECAUSE you are free. So I sit here, and just like always I think I am right and you are wrong. But I welcome you.
So at this time of year, when Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Yule have just passed, I am making my resolution. I will support those who support others. I will be open to the diversity that is here. I will do my best not to have a ‘Damned ________s, taking over my country’ attitude. I will respect your right to practice your religion, believe what you want and be who you want and ask that you please respect mine.
There are too many crises on our plates right now – debt, war, energy, just to name a few – we cannot afford to fight each other. So I will not be attending your church, your mosque, your Amish barn service. But if you harm no one, then build it, worship, believe. And right next to you, I will build my own synagogue or clear my circle in the woods.
We all have to know that as soon as we start dictating what others can believe, we cut off our own freedoms. When we make laws that say one god or another is right, one group is welcome and others are not, then we put the tools of discrimination into powerful hands. And we are fools to believe we will never be on the other side of it. As soon as you live in a world where your ideas are law, you have lost the freedom to change your mind. For many of us, even laws based on what our parents believed would have left us on the wrong side of discrimination.
And that may be the heart of the matter: I still believe I am right and you are wrong, just as you believe you are right and I am wrong. It is easy to believe that discrimination is okay as long as it is based on what I KNOW to be right. But that’s what I realized this week. No matter who dictates it – even ME, even YOU – it is wrong for this country. So fly your flag and hate your neighbor, but remember you are free BECAUSE he is free.
So please join me this year in supporting the melting pot. I’m not saying that we should throw open the doors to illegal immigrants, nor that harming or bullying anyone based on anything is okay. I simply hope that soon, all Americans are welcome in America. E pluribus unum – from many, we are one.
I declare it Gift Card Day!
It’s the holiday season again, and for many of us that means spending copious amounts of time searching for just the right gift for everyone on our list. Never mind that the definition of ‘gift’ is ‘a thing given willingly or freely without thought of payment.’ Like Valentine’s Day and birthdays, much of December remains drenched in mandated gifting (yes, that is a complete oxy moron!) And there’s the constant worry about just the right gift, and – if you’re smart – just the right budget.
This gifting is such a pain that holiday advertising is all about what to give and how easy it can be. I have a local jewelry store advertising that husbands get their wives a pendant from their store. This is literally phrased as a “No-Brainer Gift”. But the ad is so pervasive that I think the wives who get this pendant are going to be upset . . .
Some of you are leaning back and thinking “No, the holidays aren’t a problem. I have this all covered.” What’s the secret? No secret really, gift cards. They are always what you want.
Personally, I love’em! Just like everyone else, the unknown gift you gave me – via gift card – is now that thing I have had my eye on for a while! WhoooHoooo! Except . . . there’s a problem. Gift cards are awesome, when used sparingly.
I know more than one family who just shouldn’t have Christmas anymore. They simply pass gift cards around to each other. Aside from the smallest children (who unlike the rest of us understand to be thankful for real presents) they each open envelopes. Yes, there aren’t even boxes under the tree. Just envelopes. Often pulled from pockets and purses at the last minute. Again, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards . . . until it hits the point where there are no more real gifts.
What do you say to the person who gave you a $25 gift card when you gave them $50? Or they gave you $50 and you thought – whoops – they were only worth $25. Some families I know have been at this for so long that there is even a standard amount expected on the gift cards. The only surprise is where the card is to. Even more fun is finding a card on Christmas afternoon and saying “Who’s Best Buy card is this? Is it mine or yours? Or his?”
Why bother? Why not just wish each other a happy holiday and this year say “Look, I know you were going to get me a gift card, and I was going to get you one. So what do you say you just get yourself something you wanted and we’ll call it a day?”
And the issue is there’s often not a way around it. You have cousins who are teenagers or have teenagers. And no one wants to say “Look, I’m not getting you anything for Christmas because I have no clue what to get you. You mope around here the whole time I see you each year, and I’m not getting you a belly button ring / black hair dye / a car.” So what is there to do? You got it! Gift card! Mom’s happy (no piercings!), your teenage cousin is happy (well, as happy as he’s gonna get) and all is well . . . but dull.
So here are ways to spice up your gift card giving this year . . . .
So maybe you know what you want to get them, but you don’t know the color or such. This is a great reason to get a gift card. Maybe it’s the snarky T-shirt of the geek-in-your-life’s choice (Yes, I’m talking to you brother-in-law.) So get them a gift card for the exact amount of the thing – not a generic, thoughtless, $25, but a specific “I got you this thing” card. Then wrap the card in a box with a picture of the thing. Sometimes a picture of the options will do. Whenever possible, offer to go with them to pick out the thing.
Going the generic denomination route? At the very least wrap that sucker. Forget the envelopes and cutesy little Home Depot tins. Put that puppy in a box. A big box. Put a brick or an anvil in the box. Then wrap it with paper and bows. Put it under the tree. It’s up to you if you put a gift tag on it or if you just let people wonder who it’s for. However you do it, be sure to grin maniacally whenever anyone inspects the box.
If you are giving gift cards to a handful of people you can play this little game: get the appropriate number of cards in the same amount but get them to different places (and really, you can get them for just about anywhere at WalMart or Target). Make one or two double what the others are . . . Now put them all in identical envelopes. On Christmas morning, you may be pulling out envelopes like everyone else, but you are better than them. Tell everyone that one or two of the cards are for a better amount, then fan out the envelopes magician style and let the family pick. It’s a gift and a game of chance all in one.
Lastly, my personal favorite: Gift Card Spoons. This is for the family that has replaced actual presents with gift cards. Have you ever played ‘Spoons’? It’s a card game where you pick up cards and pass your rejects to the next person. Once you have a set, you grab one of the several spoons available. The number of spoons is one less than the number of people playing. Whoever is last man with no spoon is stuck with the cards he holds. One person here isn’t going to get what he wants. He may be stuck holding Granny’s Rexall gift card. But more of you are going to be able to jettison that Lady Foot Locker card (because there isn’t one in your whole state) or that Honey Baked Ham card (you just went Vegan) and pick up what you want.
Please don’t think I’m maligning the holiday. I’m in favor of actual thoughtful presents. And let’s be honest – if your family has gone the route of simply trading gift cards, my ideas aren’t the reason you aren’t really celebrating the holiness of the day. So yes, the gift card is a dull gift, but the presentation doesn’t have to be!
Happy Holidays Chickens!
A Hallmark Holiday
The things I have learned from watching the Hallmark Channel.
And, yes, I am aware that pretty much everything in that sentence smacks of wrongness. You could repeat it with an emphasis on any of the major words and it would have appropriate meaning. Why was I watching the HALLMARK Channel? If my TV was there, why was I WATCHING it? Why ME? WHY?
Well, I can answer one question (but not the rest, sorry). I was watching because a friend of mine is an up-and-coming actress and had a role on one of the holiday movies. I’m very proud of her . . . for keeping a straight face. I want her to know what a good friend I am: I watched that whole movie, and I learned.
Here’s what I now know from her movie and a few of the Hallmark Channel commercials I was graced with while watching.
If you kill someone and you are female, be sure you kill someone with a good spin. Don’t just off the mugger who is chasing you – tell them it’s your birth brother. You can kill your husband, but be sure it looks like he has mafia ties first. If you kill the man you are having an affair with, it’s helpful if he’s your teenage daughter’s boyfriend. Better yet, get him to kill your teenage daughter. Then, when you are getting hauled off to jail and get to make your one phone call, don’t call a lawyer – call a PR agent. (Any good PR person can find you the right lawyer; it doesn’t necessarily work the other way around.) Yes, smart women finish with Hallmark Movie deals.
I also learned that daytime programming is for old TV shows. We all know that if you want reality you should avoid TV and movies. No one wants to watch your family (or mine) eat TV dinners while you epically fail at “Jeopardy” then argue about whether to watch “The Middle” or “Survivor: Nicaragua”. But the fact of the matter is that TV has gotten more real over the years. “Little House on the Prairie” makes “Modern Family” look gritty and raw.
In fact, you can do some TV archeology here on Hallmark. Just like “Prairie” gave way to “Modern Family” and “Parenthood”, I can argue that “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” and “Rescue 911” have led us straight to current alphabet shows like “NCIS” and “CSI: Insert City Here”. Moreover, I can make a strong case that “Murder, She Wrote” and “Diagnosis, Murder” are merely the early harbingers of “The Walking Dead” . . . really. If you want to see someone in a dramatic chase scene where one of the characters is hindered by a death-like lack of speed, just watch Angela Lansbury or Andy Griffith attempt to get away from, well, anyone.
But maybe the best part of the Hallmark Channel is their original movie programming. It’s clear that Hallmark has a blanket policy of automatically rejecting any show with characters containing greater than puddle-depth. But for their movies, they have taken it to the next level – more character development than aluminum foil? You’re out! Add in the necessary element that Hallmark labels ‘romance’ and you can have some good times here. Well . . . maybe not.
On the one hand, I feel like such a stellar parent after watching Hallmark. I learned that Holiday Movie parents are pushy, never listen, have unreasonable demands for their children and lack any concept that grown children are actual people. This means that adults can/should do things like: fake engagements, lie about being married, and borrow other people’s cars, houses, children and boyfriends.
Hallmark characters not only lack in depth, they often lack in all neural processing. No one has any real qualms about safety when frying a turkey for Thanksgiving (of course hilarity occurs, rather than actual serious burns). One character claims a ‘cop’ brother will run a background check, but three scenes later puts her ‘best friend’ in the car with a strange man after a ‘google search’. And no one catches on when the man their daughter calls “Jason” is recognized as “David” by a really creepy Mexican restaurant waiter. Furthermore, even if you buy the really slim excuse for this, why are these parents not concerned that their future son-in-law is friends with the disturbingly creepy waiter? Maybe it’s because their other future son-in-law is a podiatrist who lovingly fondles the bare feet of near strangers (offering zero podiatric advice), and then proceeds to eat corn chips without washing his hands. (I kid you not.)
In the end, I learned so much. I learned that you can have a beautiful wedding in 27 days. You can find true love with the man of your dreams by pretending to be someone you aren’t. And that nothing will spoil your big day (like, say, the fact that she lost her job as a newspaper journalist, the industry is dying and she’s made no attempt to find other work but continues to live on her own in San Diego – and she’s the stable one. He was recently FIRED as a dancing street corner cell phone.)
But mostly, I learned that if dating the regular way (getting to know someone face-to-face) fails you, then the internet is a great place to meet people and find love. It’s best utilized by posting videos with identifying information on random websites, then giving out any additional personal info whenever requested. True love, I’m coming . . . Hallmark style!
