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So, after I finished the daily trivia mind-suck ‘how well do you know your dog breeds?’
I turned to the other exciting news of the day. Apparently, John Bon Jovi was in some kind of a ‘dolphin tragedy’ . . .

Let’s face it – it was a slow day.

I waited a little while to comment on this one, but I love that it’s out there.

A new Miss USA was crowned this last week. And, no I didn’t watch it. But I have picked up a few key things.

Miss USA has long lived in the shadow of her more popular (although often not as pretty) older sister, Miss America. Where Miss USA gets her upshot is that she gets to go on to the Miss Universe Pageant. This pageant is the fodder for many an awesome YouTube video. Seriously, check it out here.
all you have to type in is “Miss Universe fal” you don’t even have to get the whole word “falls” input and you have a whole pull down menu of embarrassing footage that will keep you smiling for hours.

The other major difference between Miss Universe and Miss America: Miss Universe has no talent. Hey, I didn’t make that rule! I’m just telling it like it is.

In recent years, however, there has been a huge push to show that these girls do have brains. Unfortunately, the Q&A portion of the pageant is becoming the most horrendously fun to watch. I was shown a snippet of the Miss America judges trying to stump the contestants by asking them why their skin tans when they go in the sun.

This is so sad. The question was chosen because it was expected that the girls couldn’t answer it. (ouch! number one) It did stump all but one of the contestants (ouch! number two) and the one contestant who did answer it, opened by saying she was a biology major and that’s why she knew it. She then proceeded to give a nicely worded explanation that was in large part inaccurate. (ouch! number three). The judges smiled and praised her knowledge (ouch! number four). Later footage showed a few good natured contestants saying “thanks, Miss South Carolina, for making us all look stupid”.

*sigh*

This makes me feel mean, but I need to point out that these girls accomplished the bulk of that all on their own.

Let’s face it; the ‘Miss’ pageants are a contest of ‘pretty’. Miss America at least spends her year campaigning for some good purpose – interspersed with big hair, parade rides and lots of overbright smiles. I’ve always failed to see how being an accomplished performer (almost always in music, singing or dance) helps this. Is she expected to perform before Sultans and visiting Prime Ministers? I always thought she was just supposed to smile.

Notice how, in this day of political correctness, the bathing suit competition has not been abolished. (Is she supposed to walk around in her skivvies before Sultans and visiting Prime Ministers?) The swimsuit competition has merely changed title to “physical fitness”. Yeah, none of us really buys it either.

The issue is this: if Miss America and Miss USA are really supposed to be pretty mouthpieces, then they’d better know their place. This year a contestant was asked whether Gay marriage should be allowed.

Fumbles are hardly unusual – previous contestants have uttered “U.S. Americans” and repeated short phrases without ever making a complete sentence. But now Miss California may be the first woman to not win based on what she said rather than how she said it. (Comparatively, she was fairly articulate). But she said she believes that marriage should be between a man and a woman, “No offense to anyone.”

What I mean about the girls ‘knowing their place’ is this: The viewership for any of these pageants has been in serious decline in recent years. No one is tuning to one night of fifty (often vapid, but sweet) girls vying for a title – not when a flick of the remote gets you ten random personalities who are working diligently to vote each other off the island, out of the house, or just plain trip someone on the runway.

Who has stuck by the pageants all this time? Dressed these girls in all their sequined finery? Spent years coaching them how to turn AND smile at the same time? And watched every pageant on TV? Gay men, that’s who.

So if you want to win a title, then the little starving kids in Africa need our monetary support to fund their educations, all American children should have music in their schools (and in their hearts?) but above all – Gay men should be able to love whom they choose, openly. Do you know why, Miss USA? Because they love you.

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