Lord of the Dense
We’ve all said stupid things. It happens. Something just rolls out of your mouth and it isn’t what you meant to say, or it IS, but it’s somehow out of context or you realize too late that the wording is just bad.
Since I’m going to make fun of other people, I will pony up and start with one of my own moments of stupid. And I must admit it is spectacular.
When I lived in LA, my sister came out to visit me often. On one of these occasions it was decided that she needed pet mice. She would get them in sunny Cali and take them back to Tennesssee. This was the plan (though I cannot for the life of me remember why!) . . . but we thought we were being smart, and we wanted to check everything out first.
We knew airlines flew dogs and cats all the time, but were mice okay? They’re so tiny, would there be an air pressure issue? Would it hurt their inner ears? We needed to know! So when we were in PetCo looking at the mice, I remembered to ask! How smart was I? Yes, I looked the sales clerk right in the eye and expectantly asked him “Can mice fly?”
He, of course, looked at my sister like ‘what am I supposed to tell the retarded kid?’
Yes, I explained. He realized I wasn’t retarded. I hope. But I like to look at that as an honest mistake. I did want to know if they could fly, I just didn’t mean under their own power. A minor grammatical issue, really.
It seems, however, that I’m not the only one afflicted. One day last week a bolt of stupid hit my town. It started like this:
I called the school to ask about the new lunchroom schedule. My son’s class was posted from 11:45 – 12:15 and the same set of tables was slated for the next class to start at 12:05. Do you see the problem?
As both my kids are big talkers (surprised?) I was concerned about a shortened lunch period. I was told this is to allow the students time to pass. I guess it was me? I wasn’t clear enough? As we can see from the ‘mice’ example, this wouldn’t be the first time. So I tried again, but was told the schedule was just fine, the gap was to allow for one class to leave and the other to come in . . . After several attempts of ‘there’s no gap, there are ten minutes missing’, I gave up trying to explain the time-space continuum. I would let it go. Lunch would work itself out, I would be at peace.
It would not be so.
It seemed I needed gas for my car, a common occurrence. The next part is kinda my fault. We’ve all walked away from the pump at one time or other. Really? I’ll bet you five bucks you have. (I’d owe some of you, but I’d come out far enough ahead to be rich, so no wagging fingers at me here!) Anyway, I got a coke so I could get some caffeine to combat the headache brought on by the attempted violation of the basic tenets of physics at the elementary, and as I’m paying the clerk says “Is that your SUV?”
Here’s the rest of the conversation (verbatim):
Me: Yes
Clerk: Oh, ‘cause it’s been spilling gas all over out there.
Me: EEEAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!
(not only was there a nice, fuming gas puddle, but there was a sixty-nine dollar charge! I put things to rights, warned the other people at the pumps about the spill and went back in to pay for the soda that I should have gotten in bathtub size, apparently)
Clerk #2: Oh, that pump’s been broken a while now.
I left before I inflicted real harm on someone. Isn’t there some law about knowing just a modicum of gasoline safety to work at a gas station? Apparently not. I half expected to see the crew out there having a Zoolander-esque gasoline fight the next day.
But no. I went on my way (still smelling the fumes that seemed to be cycling through my AC) telling myself that all was okay and the day couldn’t go on like this could it? Surely it couldn’t!
But wait. It got better. I did get some jollies out of relating the story to my sister and brother-in-law who came over to go out for dinner that night. (I wouldn’t say I got sixty-nine dollars of jollies, but at least I got some.) I was met with several ‘they did not say that!’s. I assured all that ‘yes, they did’ before I had the bright idea to call ahead for the restaurant since we had ten of us that night.
I was told ‘no problem, ten was fine’ (I later found out they can’t seat more than 8 people together, but looking back maybe the girl just thought that as long as we were in the same restaurant we’d be happy). I was told that, no, they did not do call ahead seating.
Me: Since we’re a big party can you give me an idea? Are you on a wait now? If we got there in fifteen minutes would we wait long?
Her: That would depend on when you get here and how many people are in front of you.
Me: Thank you, that clears it right up.
Her: Oh, anytime!
*sigh*
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