You should know there are two kinds of Scudieres: those who run and those who don’t. My Uncle Tom (yes, I really have an Uncle Tom) is part of the ‘running’ branch of the family. They all do half-marathons as family events. Uncle Tom is a tri-athlete. That puts my branch of the family firmly on the “I’m sorry, did you say ‘running’?” side.
We. Don’t. Run. This isn’t a lifestyle choice; it’s a complete lack of talent. My father has been known to jog, but that’s it, that’s the maximum speed for this side of the family. Sis and I have been passed by joggers – while we were on roller blades! We have come to accept that we are not fast people.
Sis is in training (yet again), this time for her second-degree blackbelt. (This will be her fifth black belt!) To accomplish this, she needs to run two miles in 16 min. Good luck, Sis! She has been getting advice from a friend who tells her to train in ‘fart-like bursts’. No, that’s not what he really said. That’s what I heard. See? My branch of the family can’t even TALK about running.
Sis says: “I’m training in mixed martial arts. I’m training to stand and fight. So why do I have to prove that I can run away really fast?” Good point, Sis. I have no answer except this: The man who says you have to run is a seventh-degree black belt. When he says run, you should run.
So she runs on the track or the treadmill several times a week. (I try to support her in this. I support her morally. It’s my best talent where running is concerned.) Then one day she says, “When do I hit that runner’s high that everyone talks about?”
It was a sad day. I had to tell her: “The runner’s high isn’t anything you want. For starters, if you are experiencing a runner’s high, that means you’re running, which is just sad in and of itself. Secondly, think about all the other highs you can experience . . . Cocaine, Whippets (Nitrous Oxide), Hypothermia . . . those are all highs produced by oxygen deprivation to the brain. How is a runner’s high anything different? You’ve been running so long and using up all your oxygen in your muscles so that there’s none left for your brain. Only thing is, you’re high, so you think it’s cool. Don’t go into the light, Sis.”
So this is what I think of all you runners out there telling me how awesome the runner’s high is and that I should do it: I think you’re all just a bunch of pushers. Yeah, there might not be drugs in your system and you might think the feeling of losing brain cells is ‘cool’, but it’s not. It’s just another high and I’ll stay on the ground and maintain my neural capacity, thank you.
I know you runners disagree. I’d like to point out that if you have experienced this ‘runner’s high’ you have already reduced your number of brain cells so I don’t really trust the logic of your arguments, but I’m sure you’ll say I’m wrong. So come tell me what you really think. Say it to my face. It’s not like I can run away from you . . .
Listen to AJ's Podcast SMART CHICKENS
Because Sometimes We All Just Want to Fly the Coop!