Archive for the ‘Inside AJ’s Head’ Category:
Formula for a New America
I know we spend our time here with the absurd and ironic. We are snarky and irreverent. But this time it’s about new years and resolutions, so we are going to take this one time to stop and be serious – just for a moment.
Like everyone else, for this new year – this election year – I want a New America. Or maybe I just want to fix the old one. But I have realized we can’t do that until we take care of one thing: we need to become America first. We live here and we give ourselves the moniker, but few of us are real Americans. Wait. Let me explain – I’m not talking about flag-flying patriotism. I’m talking about the basis for this nation.
We were founded by peoples fleeing from religious and government oppression. We came to a land where no one was native. (The ‘Native Americans’ bear a misnomer – they immigrated across the Bering Strait. Though they did it first, they are still immigrants.) Once here, we found ourselves in groups – protestants, ‘natives’, Europeans – and we fought like dogs to each protect our group.
The irony is that it wasn’t just our founding fathers who have felt this isolation and persecution. The ‘Great American Melting Pot’ does not melt things smoothly or quickly. In the 1800s, it was common to see signs that read “No Irish”. In the 1900s the signs read “No Blacks”. Today the signs read “No Mexicans” or “No Gays”. Have we learned nothing?
I declare it Gift Card Day!
It’s the holiday season again, and for many of us that means spending copious amounts of time searching for just the right gift for everyone on our list. Never mind that the definition of ‘gift’ is ‘a thing given willingly or freely without thought of payment.’ Like Valentine’s Day and birthdays, much of December remains drenched in mandated gifting (yes, that is a complete oxy moron!) And there’s the constant worry about just the right gift, and – if you’re smart – just the right budget.
This gifting is such a pain that holiday advertising is all about what to give and how easy it can be. I have a local jewelry store advertising that husbands get their wives a pendant from their store. This is literally phrased as a “No-Brainer Gift”. But the ad is so pervasive that I think the wives who get this pendant are going to be upset . . .
Some of you are leaning back and thinking “No, the holidays aren’t a problem. I have this all covered.” What’s the secret? No secret really, gift cards. They are always what you want.
Personally, I love’em! Just like everyone else, the unknown gift you gave me – via gift card – is now that thing I have had my eye on for a while! WhoooHoooo! Except . . . there’s a problem. Gift cards are awesome, when used sparingly.
A Hallmark Holiday
The things I have learned from watching the Hallmark Channel.
And, yes, I am aware that pretty much everything in that sentence smacks of wrongness. You could repeat it with an emphasis on any of the major words and it would have appropriate meaning. Why was I watching the HALLMARK Channel? If my TV was there, why was I WATCHING it? Why ME? WHY?
Well, I can answer one question (but not the rest, sorry). I was watching because a friend of mine is an up-and-coming actress and had a role on one of the holiday movies. I’m very proud of her . . . for keeping a straight face. I want her to know what a good friend I am: I watched that whole movie, and I learned.
Here’s what I now know from her movie and a few of the Hallmark Channel commercials I was graced with while watching.
Even the Amish Be Haters – or Why Your Christmas Isn’t So Bad
I’m not sure where to start with this, but it bears repeating. With all that we are focused on the economy and Black Friday and on the ongoing saga of Occupy Wall Street, there is something serious afoot: Amish on Amish crime.
I have to admit that when I first read about this I checked for the ONN (Onion News Network) logo in the corner. Then I checked my calendar and it’s nowhere near April first. What is happening? Has the world gone crazy? What with the recent spate of holidays (Halloween, Nigel Tufnel day (11-11-11) and Thanksgiving) we seemed to have missed the hate a-brewing in the middle of Ohio. I thought the only thing in the middle of that state was the fictional Glee high school.
There has recently been a rash of hate crimes that are striking fear deep into the heart of the Ohio Amish. Splinter groups are roaming the hills and attacking Amish men and women and cutting their hair!
Read more »
A Cabin in the Woods
I have to start with saying how lucky I am. I moved to Nashville for the job opportunities, low cost of living and ability to have some land but still be in a neighborhood. After three months of getting used to a new place, I ran into an old friend at church. He’s married to another old friend. And sitting next to them was yet another old friend. Yes, toss in a few more and there’s a circle of eight of us here which I luckily wandered back into. Add in another two who stayed closer to the Knoxville area and their significant others and you have a circle of twelve. The last magic ingredient is: Andrea, Queen of all Organization. What you get is a yearly, three-day weekend retreat at a cabin in the woods.
Cabin rules: No kids allowed. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Cook one meal for the whole group. And BYOB – plenty of it.
That’s it.
We’ve hit different state parks through the last four years, but this year Andrea found us a private cabin. No neighboring cabins to be seen. And this time: a hot tub.
In the past, we’ve often gone on hikes or just walking about the state park as a group mid-day on Saturday. But not this year. This year our isolation was partially responsible for the sign that graced the front door: “This cabin has been recently visited by Black Bears”. We were asked to follow certain rules pertaining to putting our trash out and to also follow certain safety procedures when walking in the woods.
I wonder…
Why do grammarians worry about whether or not to capitalize Twitter – as in ‘to twitter’ or ‘to Facebook’ – but not ‘to tweet’ or ‘to text’. Texting and online posting have no concern for grammar. Why should grammar have a concern for them?
I bet Ke$ha looks beautiful right when she wakes up in the morning.
Can mushrooms get mold? It just doesn’t seem right.
Why don’t Americans understand that every American is an immigrant or the descendant of an immigrant? Even the Native Americans aren’t native (they came across the Bering Strait, remember? That means the immigrated.) I’m not saying there aren’t issues; we clearly need a process that works. But – unless you are a squirrel – just don’t be a jerk about it.
Why does the GRE contain words that the Webster’s Dictionary doesn’t?
Coffin Hop
Welcome Coffin Hoppers and Smart Chickens alike!
For those of you who are Smart Chickens, please give a shout out to our visitors. Coffin Hop is a blog tour that goes from October 24th-31st. The tour will visit numerous blogs, Smart Chickens being one of them. So give a warm welcome to the Coffin Hoppers!
In this final week before Halloween we have several great giveaways, a super deal and a scary picture!
I’ll start with the scary thing . . .
Yes, that’s a picture of fabric grocery bags . . . in a plastic bag.
My Generation
It’s said that Generation X can be defined or identified by a simple test:
Complete the following phrase: Conjunction Junction________________
If you don’t know it, you are not a member. And if you are a member, you said (or most likely, sang) “What’s your function?”
But there’s a lesser known test for Gen X, and it’s defined by this phrase: “Where’s my flying car?” (and the slightly less common “Where’s my personal jetpack?”)
Cars haven’t taken the quantum leap that was not only predicted but planned for in the 1900s. They not only don’t fly, many use more gas per mile than their counterparts from just twenty years ago. Electric cars were an interesting idea – and I know there’s a whole movie about who killed them. But I think the fact that you couldn’t just ‘fill-up’ was problematic. You had to plug-in (which required finding a station) and wait around. If you had an electric car you couldn’t take long trips (or you could, but they’d be REALLY long, because of the re-charging problem.) Conspiracies aside, I don’t think these cars would have completely caught on. Have you ever forgotten to re-charge your cell phone over night? Yeah, I know. I’m not responsible enough to have an electric car either.
Are You Ready?
Recently, my friend Alex got himself out of bad relationship.
We had several late nights, involving deep discussions and beer. This had been one of those on-again/off-again relationships. Alex definitely gave more than he got. During the long course of the relationship, there had been a handful of low points involving yelling and tears (all on Alex’s part.)
Being a good friend, I had told him repeatedly to give it up. But, like most people, though he said ‘I really should’ he went right back to his old ways. Change is hard. And kudos to Alex for finally calling it off and putting everything in a box to take to Goodwill.
Or so I thought. Just this last Sunday, I caught him on his couch wearing a new San Diego Chargers jersey and yelling at the TV just as loud as always.
I grabbed a beer and joined him, then I said: “Why? Why do you do this? The Titans are better for you and they’re here in town. You can watch live, and don’t have to get non-HD channels and watch after the game is over.” But Alex just kept watching and yelling.
The House of Seven Ecrus
Buying a house is always an adventure. You inherit all the things the last owner couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take with him. In my house in LA our garage held plywood, moldings, and a random door. The owner had come back once before we moved in to get his ‘valuables’ out of the garage, but all we could figure he took was the stepladder and a few rags.
Here, the previous owners were meticulous. They left us a contact list with all the services they used – plumbers, animal control, handymen, you name it. They showed us a stack of operator manuals for every major appliance in the house and a few minor ones (the ceiling fans?) There were two rolls of spare carpeting in the garage, along with the (usual?) collection of plywood and such. They even left samples of the countertops with stickers from the manufacturer and the installer on the back!
But best of all, in the front hall closet was a stack of paint cans. Though unlabeled, they had the usual paint smudges on the lids. I was ecstatic! All of these things were found or pointed out to us after we bought the house. Who could ask for a more organized hand off???
All was well except for the wallpaper. And there was some serious bad juju with the wallpaper. Think floral with bright colors. And then add some floral. Wait, there aren’t any stripes . . . we can have floral stripes. Just to clarify, every time we peeled wallpaper we found we were not so much removing as excavating. In one spot we found four different layers each telling a tale of an era gone by and each more hideous than the layer on top.
