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There has long been a running joke about the ‘Fashion Police’. There’s even been the occasional TV comedy skit dedicated to the premise . . . these go all the way back to the ‘Candid Camera’ days. Women’s magazines bring on the Dos and Don’ts and even black bar the eyes so that supposedly no one recognizes your fat ass in the too-tight clothing. Now, in the days of the internet, no one is so kind. Faces aren’t blurred, and ‘Only at WalMart’ – which features the ‘Oh, my God!’, mouth-agape kind of fashion blunders – has posts from all over. Unfortunately, the thing most wrong with the ‘Only at WalMart’ site is that those things aren’t only at WalMart.

Another great place to find the faux pas is at amusement parks. I know that upper crusty folks would never do something so plebian as to play on roller coasters and such. But my family loves it. Still, these places are bastions of safety for the fashion challenged crowd. If you want it to get even worse, go to a water park. Yes, come see the masses in their bathing suits . . . oy!

My friend Jason says when he looks around an amusement park he is reminded of why he doesn’t have female friends. Who can trust a woman? Look at the groups of girls that go out. It was their ‘friends’ who told them they looked good. Clearly, there are too many cases where the ‘friend’ wanted to look better than the girls she was out with, so she says, “oh yeah, wear your jeans three sizes too tight like that. It looks great.” Jason points out that the alternative is that women are just stupid, and in spite of everything men say, they think it’s better to squeeze into a size 4 and bulge around the edges than to wear what fits regardless of that tiny little number on the tag . . .

Sadly, Jason has a point. On the upside, the websites are freakin’ funny. I’ve been to WalMart (doesn’t everybody sometimes have a day where you realize you are out of paper towels AND bacon?) . . . and I’ve seen what’s there. When you add in the frequent amusement park trips, I’ve got quite the collection . . .

I just wish I had known about the website when I was staring at this one girl’s butt. I was so stunned that it didn’t even occur to me to snap a photo . . . (who thought of that one anyway?) But she was wearing skin-tight legging things and she had panty lines . . . running at angles up her butt. There was something weird about them . . . so I stared. I felt really bad, but I couldn’t stop staring. It took a few minutes to realize what was wrong . . .the panty lines weren’t panty lines, but a series of tiny holes that had been worn into the fabric from previous panties . . . this explained how she also had panty lines from the thong she was wearing.

I love telling that story. Everyone, man and woman alike, says ‘you’re kidding’. Oh, no, I’m not. Even I can’t make that up. And, yes, it was at WalMart.

Another bad clothing trend is wording. Juicy Couture started this with their workout clothes with “Juicy” across the butt. Though I don’t consider myself a prude, in most places this is inappropriate. Places like: the park, the grocery store, anything associated with K-12 schools, and particularly on children’s butts. I have seen each of those things. (And I’ll add that the “Juicy” across the 5th grade girl’s butt was less disturbing than the playboy bunny that was on the thong doing more than just peeking over the top of the Juicy pants.)

It’s not just Juicy that has done this. Though they led the way, tons of generics have popped up. You never know what words you’ll see plastered across a butt. Add in that the trend is to write in a calligraphy font, and now you have to actually stop and read people’s asses.

My personal favorite is this one that Jason and I saw at Six Flags. (Anyone who has been to a Six Flags in the past eight years won’t be surprised by this.) A large woman was wearing a green velour jog suit that was several sizes too small. It would have been fine if it had fit, but no . . . Across her butt where the words ‘Feeling Sucky’. Jason, of course, pipes up with, “I’d be feeing sucky, too, if I squeezed myself into something that tight.” I replied with “At least her ass is honest.”

We ran into her at least three times during our visit that day. Only on the third time – as she picked her pants out of her butt! – did I realize that the calligraphy print had led us astray . . . her ass actually read “Feeling Lucky”.

I had more respect for her when I thought she was advertising feeling sucky. But I have decided, if I find myself without a job, I’m going to go into business making jog suits with words on the butt. Mine will read “Mmmmmmuffin Top” and “Lumpy” and “2 sizes 2 small”.

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