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Parking Karma
In case you haven’t figured this out before, I have a bit of an evil streak. I admit to it. And, just like everyone else, I get the urge to get a little vengeance when people are mean to me.
We all want to bash in some headlights when someone steals our parking space. But we don’t do it. Because we don’t have a baseball bat handy. Or because we really don’t want to go to jail. And occasionally we think, maybe he had a good reason for taking that spot. Maybe there’s a pregnant lady in the back of the car and she’s in labor and they really need something from . . . Autozone/the mall/my apartment building before they head on to the hospital. Yeah, I haven’t come up with a good excuse for it either, but I try to be a good person and imagine there was a good reason . . . But in the end I want my revenge.
People shouldn’t steal parking spaces from those who were waiting. People shouldn’t park just over the line. If you don’t fit, don’t take the spot. You should also know that your Yukon doesn’t fit into compact spaces – no matter how good a driver you believe you are.
People shouldn’t park in two spots up close to entrance. If you are too bad a driver to park in the lines, then just try again. You’ll get it! I have faith. Besides it’s better to look like a bad driver than an A-hole, right? If anyone gives you funny looks, tell them you borrowed your neighbor’s car. If you want to take up two spots, that’s fine. Maybe you have a very nice or expensive car and you’re worried about dings and scratches. I understand that. But you shouldn’t take those two spots right near the entrance. And I’m not just talking the mall at Christmas either. Any time. You know who you are.
Taking up two prime spots is not a good practice for anyone worried about scratches. You’re likely to come back and find your car covered in scratches. Scratches that spell out words. Words like “Don’t take two parking spots, Jackhole.”
I have never done this. I have wanted to – especially after some able-bodied person emerges from the spot-stealing car, usually talking on his or her cell phone. Keying a car might be satisfying, but it can lead to serious fines and jail time. And I do worry that there was something I missed. Maybe her mother just died and she’s paying no attention. It could happen. I’m sure that the vast majority of the spot-stealers and double parkers aren’t in that situation, though. And because of that, we need some good, legal revenge.
My first hit went down like this: one of the tenants in my apartment building used to take up the first two spots right by the door. She did have a flashy little red car, and she always got the best spots she could. One day she parked in the two spots next to the fire hydrant right by the entrance, and I thought I could squeeze my little Civic in the remaining space. I mean, it was only raining cats and dogs and the only other space was on the other side of the lot. But I didn’t really fit, and I wound up getting really wet.
But I left her a note! Yes, the strongly worded letter can work. But it goes something like this: “Dear Sheri” – her name was on her front plate – “I’m so sorry, I was trying to squeeze in next to you last night in the rain and I’m afraid I scratched your car. My insurance will cover it. Please call me! – Drew”
I had not scratched her car at all. (I’m a better/nicer driver than that.) My name isn’t Drew. (I purposefully chose something gender-neutral.) And it wasn’t due to forgetfulness that there was no phone number after the ‘please call me’.
I had a friend leave the note at six a.m. because in my early days I was a pansy. But at nine I found Sheri, note in hand, checking her car. By ten-thirty when I pulled back into the lot, Sheri had two friends and was still looking for this phantom mark. I hid my smile. Not only did my little note cost Sheri several hours of her day, but she never parked up close again. She politely took two spots at the far corner of the lot. Probably only out of fear that some fool would try to squeeze in next to her precious Mustang. But hey, it worked.
Emboldened by such a strong early success, I stuck a small pad of paper in my glove box. I never park without it. When people commit parking sins, I write. I vary the note. Sometimes I say the scratch was accidental. Sometimes I confess to being so mad I keyed their car. But, knowing it was wrong, I feel the need to fess up and cover the damage. Sometimes I admit to putting tiny holes in their tires.
But I don’t do any of it. The only time I touch the car is to lift the windshield wiper to tuck my half-sheet of plain paper under it. *sigh* I haven’t threatened anyone. I didn’t damage any property. It’s just a nice, legal note. But it feels so good!
Listen to AJ's Podcast SMART CHICKENS
Because Sometimes We All Just Want to Fly the Coop!
The end is nigh(ish)
I hear you saying ‘so?’
But know this, 12-21-12 is the end of the world. The Mayan calendar predicts this. All great religions see the end of the world as coming in 2012. Well, all the good religions anyway. And why would you want to be a part of a creed that has no impending doomsday scenario? Where’s the fun in that, really?
So, you’ve got four years left before the poles switch, the ascension occurs, and the human race goes extinct. What are you going to do with your time?
That’s a big question. Do you stop going to work? Spend your days plying your family and friends with fond farewells and try to play as much golf as you possibly can?
Should you sell your water-front property? Between global warming and the polar shift, water front property should be a lot less valuable in five years. The market may be soft now, but think how soft (or even underwater) the ground will be in five years.
There are so many things to do before facing the end of the world.
Let’s start with The Basic Apocalypse Readiness Check-list:
1 - make certain that you have a survivable low point in the house to weather high winds, tornadoes, things of that ilk.
2 - make certain that you have a survivable high point in the house to weather floods and such.
(It doesn’t really matter if your area is at risk for these kinds of disasters. Who knows what will happen when all this goes awry?)
* Sidebar - there is no advice for California. I am sorely afraid that the old Lex Luther drop-California-into-the-ocean plan may come to fruition here. Notice how I moved far away from the state . . .
3 - keep plenty of canned foods on hand. You can also get MREs, or Meals Ready to Eat at Military supply stores. If you have any questions regarding the debatable tastiness of the MREs simply ask any military person you know.
* Freeze-dried ice cream is also a great thing to have on hand for end-of-the-world scenarios. Just keep in mind that the labeling is correct about the ‘freeze-dried’ part but not the ‘ice-cream’ part.
4 - keep plenty of drinkable water on hand. You should have one gallon of water per person per day for the duration of the planned siege.
* because the ‘siege’ will be until the end of all time, you should realize that your life span after December 21st will be measured in gallons per person per day.
5 - don’t bathe in your drinking water. If you want to continue to be able to be near the ones you love during this time of crisis, bathing water is a must. Keep non-drinking water on hand to encourage cleanliness at the end.
There are all kinds of things still to be done. You have only for years to build a shelter to house your entire family (comfortably?) until the world is a safe place to live in. Remember, the Basic Apocalypse Readiness Check-list only covers minimalist survival. You’ll likely want things like beds, entertainment, and communications devices so you can talk other survivors into checking out the ‘surface’ and reporting back to you. Without this, someone in your shelter will have to make the foray into the unknown and (hopefully) return to tell you all about it. It’s far better to have a patsy to do the early recon; communications systems will help ensure this scenario.
If you are looking for a handy guide to survival shelters, may I suggest “Blast From the Past” with Brendan Fraser (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0124298/). Whether or not you enjoy the comedic value of the film, there are excellent ideas for survival shelters in the movie.
And last but not least, what else do you have to do before the end comes? Each of us must look deep into our own hearts. Is there someone we need to forgive? Someone who needs forgiveness from us? A wrong that must be righted? There are deep soul searches to be conducted.
Remember, you have just four short years from now to do what needs to be done. Me, I have to go shark diving and parachuting. Because, hey, if something goes wrong, my family will survive for that many more gallons per person per day!
Listen to AJ's Podcast SMART CHICKENS
Because Sometimes We All Just Want to Fly the Coop!
They’re dropping like Sci-Flies!
Now Forrest Ackerman is gone, too. He is credited with having coined the term ‘sci-fi’ and finding such literary sci-fi greats as Ray Bradbury. He had a huge collection of, shall we say, paraphernalia and opened his home to the public, like a museum, every Saturday.
I have to assume the man believed in forces beyond this world in order to throw open his doors once a week and believe that the visitors wouldn’t do his things any harm. And that his wife wouldn’t do him any harm, either. And, no, it wasn’t his wife that killed him. I think.
I have to admit that all this has me nervous. Something is after sci-fi writers. So I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Crichton, Ackerman . . . (It’s sci-fi, three shoes is appropriate.)
I find myself looking over my shoulder in public places. I mean what about all the smaller authors that maybe don’t make national news? What’s their morbidity rate? And why isn’t anyone putting the clues together!?!?!?
Please excuse my outburst. I’m sorry. I just let my imagination get a little carried away for a minute, there.
But that’s okay. It really isn’t about me is it? I mean, after all, I write thrillers. I get that it’s a fine line of distinction, but it’s one I’m hoping will keep me alive through the coming dark times for sci-fi writers.
I have to say that I am sorry to see Crichton and Ackerman go. They were the giants who founded the industry and they leave a grand legacy that someone among us will have to step up to carry on. But it seems the even the grand masters themselves were not able to defy science and medicine in the end. Or were they . . .




